I don't really come up with New Year's Resolution list 'coz eventually I'm bound at being disappointed at seeing myself failing to fulfill it as the year wears on. This year, I decide to write down a list, not of aspirations but of actions. At least, it's some sort of things to-do which I'm better at keeping, and not some sort of wishful thinking. This is in no particular order BTW.
1. Seek a derma consultation and allot budget for treatment.
Three people already suggested this to me and I'm not dense to realise that my face isn't a hopeless case.
2. Move out of my parents' house and jumpstart on an independent bachelor lifestyle.
Cavite is starting to become unbearable for me. Also tutal naman na-experience ko nang mamuhay nang mag-isa sa abroad, I believe I'm ready for that over here as well. All I need is a definite response from a potential housemate and a definite location.
3. Engage in a highly-physical activity and get on with it at least once a month for a start.
Yes, it starts with S. I miss sport climbing, even though I have a semi-traumatic experience of having to experience humiliation from an antipatiko instructor back in college. (Sayang ang gwapo pa naman niya and I dig kalbo guys pa naman.)
4. Brush up on my French.
Sayang kasi ang 6 units of French back college kung di ko rin naman magagamit. Besides, I don't wanna cease learning. Having gotten out of the university ain't a good excuse at all.
5. Learn the ropes of table-turning.
This has been on my head since early college days. I've downloaded videos from the Net and even downloaded FL Studio. I even listen to club tracks every now and then and get the feel of being the guy who makes people dance the night away.
6. Defy my own self-imposed conventions as far as meeting people.
I just miss my New Zealand days. I remember meeting my set of friends in Wellington when I decided to walk in a church service, despite knowing that I'm the only Asian guy there. Why can't I be the same guy back home?
7. Allot budget for a brand-new laptop.
This is the only electronic gadget I'm really aiming to have by next year, siguro pag na-regular na ko sa work. Now all I need to do is to check out laptop specs.
2009/12/28
2009/12/21
Of swings and rollercoasters
Mahirap ang may mood swing. Struggle para sa akin ang maging super enjoyed. Kasi alam ko na any moment, mapapa-emo na lang ako bigla.
Mahirap lang din siguro na ina-anticipate ko na I'm gonna go down, after being on a high. Na parang wala akong "K" na magtagal sa tugatog ng kasiyahan.
Pero malamang, mas mahirap pa ring isipin na sa kaligayahan o ka-emo-han, ako lang ang nagsosolo sa itaas at pagkatapos ako lang din ang papahid sa aking mga luha.
Mahirap lang din siguro na ina-anticipate ko na I'm gonna go down, after being on a high. Na parang wala akong "K" na magtagal sa tugatog ng kasiyahan.
Pero malamang, mas mahirap pa ring isipin na sa kaligayahan o ka-emo-han, ako lang ang nagsosolo sa itaas at pagkatapos ako lang din ang papahid sa aking mga luha.
2009/12/19
The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...
Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...
• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
EIGHTs as Parents
• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at OkCupid
8 - the Asserter
Thanks for taking the test !you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").
"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
EIGHTs as Parents
• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Say cheese
This song may be reeking on cheesiness, but I'm not ashamed to say that I haven't gotten tired of this song despite repeatedly playing this in my iPod for most of the last quarter of this year. So is this a sign as far as my personal life is concerned? =p
Regarding cheesiness, well let's face it - truth, regardless on how it is presented, is still truth. Take that, skeptics and haters. =p
Or maybe, I can phrase it this way - an SSB guy like me whose hope for a first flame is still not flickering can really relate to the lyrics of this song. =p
Without further adieu..
TITLE: Future Love
ARTIST: Varsity Fanclub or Kristinia DeBarge
A couple of years
And I’m gonna know your name
It’s like I waited for ya forever
And I know this might sound insane
But it won’t be long
‘Til we’re gonna take this up
What I’m talking about is our future love
You’re so far away
Maybe you’re right next door
Got me picturing your face again
Something worth waiting for
I put all others behind me
They don’t live up
I know you’re my thing
You were made just for me
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Walking hand in hand
Going on a second date
I can picture what you’re wearing
And I swear I can hardly wait
The thought of all the ways
We’ll meet for the very first time
I can see the place, feel the love, first sight
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Oh no, the minute you pull up next to me
We standing there like destiny
When it feels like you’re fighting just to breathe
That’s when you’ll know
The minute I pull up next to you
Suddenly I don’t know what to do
Everything inside you says that I’m the one
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Future love, future love, future love
Future love, yeah, ooh, oh
Regarding cheesiness, well let's face it - truth, regardless on how it is presented, is still truth. Take that, skeptics and haters. =p
Or maybe, I can phrase it this way - an SSB guy like me whose hope for a first flame is still not flickering can really relate to the lyrics of this song. =p
Without further adieu..
TITLE: Future Love
ARTIST: Varsity Fanclub or Kristinia DeBarge
A couple of years
And I’m gonna know your name
It’s like I waited for ya forever
And I know this might sound insane
But it won’t be long
‘Til we’re gonna take this up
What I’m talking about is our future love
You’re so far away
Maybe you’re right next door
Got me picturing your face again
Something worth waiting for
I put all others behind me
They don’t live up
I know you’re my thing
You were made just for me
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Walking hand in hand
Going on a second date
I can picture what you’re wearing
And I swear I can hardly wait
The thought of all the ways
We’ll meet for the very first time
I can see the place, feel the love, first sight
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Oh no, the minute you pull up next to me
We standing there like destiny
When it feels like you’re fighting just to breathe
That’s when you’ll know
The minute I pull up next to you
Suddenly I don’t know what to do
Everything inside you says that I’m the one
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don’t even know your name
And when they asked me, does it change
No, it don’t change a thing
Cuz there’s something about the way you’ll love me
There’s just something about the way you’ll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
There’s just something about our
Future love, future love, future love
Future love, future love, future love
Future love, yeah, ooh, oh
2009/09/01
Crush
Naalala ko blockmates tayo and una't huli tayong naging magkaklase sa Math 17. Maaga akong dumating sa klase at nakaupo sa 2nd row, samantalang ikaw eh nakaupo sa likuran at may kadalasan ding late ka kung pumasok. Nonetheless, there's something in you which really piqued my interest. I dunno, I just can't exactly put my finger in it. Is it because you seemed to me like a big bro potential, even though 20 days lang pala ang tanda mo sa 'kin? Is it because of your quiet and mysterious ways? There's something in the way you walk and look na parang you invite me to see the world as you see it. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin alam, pero you got me there.
Finally, nabigyan din ng opportunity na magkausap tayo. Naalala ko, shotgun ata ang pagkakagawa ng group natin sa inter-block quiz bee, as in on the day itself ko lang ata nalaman na teammate kita. (I can't exactly remember kung anong tawag dun sa contest na yun, basta isang frat sa eng'g ang organiser nito.) Anyway, thankful ako na nagkakilala tayo at nagkausap sandali. Pinahanga mo pa nga ko sa pagkakasagot mo sa math question dun sa isang round. Wow! Pero parang bitin lagi ang pagkakakilala ko sa 'yo, kahit hanggang ngayon.
After nun, di na tayo masyado nagkausap. Siguro every now and then we bumped into each other and even exchanged text messages. Andun ka pala noong Stephen Speaks concert tapos you texted me pa upon hearing my name sa Pick of the Week Challenge ng Final Countdown sa Magic. Uy, chart affecionado ka rin pala. And astig, tuwing New Year's Eve ang paborito mong gawin eh makinig din sa mga yearend countdowns. Sayang di natuloy yung pag-exchange natin ng mga nalista nating charts. Nagkawalay tayo ng landas after 2003.
Siguro mabibilang sa mga daliri ng isang kamay ko ang mga pagkakataong nagkita uli tayo sa sumunod na 3 taon. Nag-shift ka na nun sa BA, samantalang nagpursigi akong tapusin ang Math. May mga naging kaibigan din ako, pero isa kang kakulangan sa 'kin. You're a missing piece sa puzzle, that is my college life. I can say that we're more than acquaintances, pero di ko masasabi kung friendship ba 'tong sa 'tin.
December 2006 - Habang inaayos ko ang Multiply site ko dahil gusto ko nang gawing online ang weekly charts ko, I stumbled upon your blog. Dun ko nalamang you're gay. Pero you know what, hindi ako nandiri sa 'yo or anything. Bagkus, mas lalo pa kong naging interesado na makilala ka. Gusto kong malaman ang maraming bagay about you na sa 'yo mismo galing - kung kelan mo nalaman na hindi ka straight, na kung ang katahimikan mo ba eh dahil sa issues mo about your sexuality back then. I didn't see it coming actually, considering na I saw your Friendster pic na kasama mo ang isang member ng 6Cycle Mind. And ang porma mo, pang-chick boy. Kung mas nakilala pa kita, nanaisin kong magpaturo sa 'yo kung paanong manligaw.
Sa ngayon, Facebook lang ang primary means of communication natin. Nakakalula, 3K ang friends mo roon! And thank you for tagging me sa mga music-related posts mo ah, and sa pag-acknowledge mo sa mga comments ko gayundin sa pag-like mo sa mga posts ko. Thank you for sending me text messages as well, all those funny and thought-provoking messages. I dunno what I've done to deserve it. Hindi ako katulad ng mga kaibigan mo na kasing-astig mong pumorma (kahit na many of them aren't straight, I dunno) and inaatake ako ng feeling of unworthiness whenever we bump into each other along Ayala Ave. And naalala ko, may kasalanan pa ko sa 'yo kasi I refused to do you a favour of getting a credit card sa HSBC. Kahit na sinabi mong for the sake of a friend.. Kahit na mukhang napatawad mo na ko, ilang beses ko pa ring naisip mag-sorry sa 'yo for that incident.
I still hope I can invite you for coffee or tea one time. Sana magkasya ako sa social calendar mo. Yes, it'll be in a friendly setting kahit na alam kong sa sarili ko na more than a friend ang tingin ko sa 'yo. Hindi ko maipaliwanag. Basta alam ko, you're the first guy who made me seriously doubt about my sexuality. You're my first serious guy crush. I always wanna have updates about you (not in a stalker sorta way of course), and sana pansinin mo rin ako someday. Until then, I'm just happy na I'm inside your circle and I'm wishing you well. =)
2009/08/30
Good night, good night
I find solace in that moment when I'm about to doze off to dream land. Memories from recent and afar, here and beyond, what has and what might have been, awesome and awful combined, just keep flooding in. Then something just fell from my eyes and found its way on the pillow I'm lying on. One, two, three, keep counting.
Indeed, this cliché holds true:
Tears are words the heart can't express.
Quandary
I, Icy Flame, a twenteen-something SSB guy, used to dig lots of girls and still am attracted to some of them from time to time. I'm still dreaming that Hayley Williams will come over and propose to me. However, I don't wanna be in a romantic relationship with a girl just yet. I have no intentions to use the relationship (and the girl, for that matter) as a way to save my ass and to cover up my sexuality. I wasn't raised to become a heart-breaker and, given my insecurities as far as my physical features and overall manliness are concerned, what nerves do I have should I break some girl's heart.
I have some male crushes before and now am attracted to many different kinds of guys. I'm fixated with baldies, first and foremost. But look, I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship with any guy, given my background and my overall maturity level. Moreover, I have my personal demons to slay. While from afar I dig them, truth is I feel insecure whenever eye candies and hunks come my way. It's like I know they're enticing and at the same time am aware that they're "untouchable". Also, based on my personal experience, geeks don't live in the same sphere as jocks, pretty boys, and their cohorts. I remember myself only existing in the social circles whenever exams are coming up. I can't recall as well having a certified poster boy or an athletic guy as a friend.
Yes world, I'm not straight. Heck, I don't really know what I am. And I concede - I don't even know where I'm headed eventually. So now, let me take this path of exploration and discovering - I wanna learn and realise, meet and connect, live and love (eventually).
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