Dream scene #5

I went to the hospital and saw Tatay (my lolo) there. Apparently, he, Nanay and my cousin all figured in a gruesome car accident. He was the lone survivor and was miraculously unhurt. My female cousin, who was the driver, died upon impact. I was hysterical upon hearing the brutal news, only to realise that hey I was just dreaming.

Dream scene #4

I was with a friend, and while he was reading a broadsheet, he confronted me about my Facebook profile photos. I can't exactly remember what he was ranting about. I then happened to chance upon a news article which bore my name. According to the item, a certain "Icy Flame" is reported lost somewhere in the Pacific Ocean for almost a year now.

Forward

I'm moving forward.

I'm unstoppable right now.

Watch me, here I come.

Are you the Alpha Male/Female?

Lone Wolf Loners are intelligence people and they are more than capable of leadership. They either choose not lead or they are too radical for the non-alphas to understand. Alpha types are intimidated by loners because loners can not be easily controlled. Some have been alienated from society and others just feel they are not understood or don�t belong. Some of the most influential people in history were loners, strong-minded and often comfortable with taking risks. Some of the most destructive people in history were also loners, they isolated themselves and allowed anger to fester. If you are a loner, it�s important that you allow yourself to forgive the rest of the population for being close-minded.

How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

Silver!

Today, I call this the start of yet another 365 days, a new lap in this personal marathon.

Here's to the 24th year which showed me that I can go beyond the limitations that have shackled me for most of my life. I may not be the person I aspire to be, but at least I'm not the person I used to be. Aspiration for continuous growth and improvement, after all, doesn't have to be confined solely to the career path I'm currently pursuing. Here's to the year which I faced not by my lonesome this time, but with the newfound company which I hope to keep for many years to come.

Saying hello to year 25 brimming with optimism and newfound confidence. We'll continually soar and aim for the skies, even when gravity keeps on pulling us down. We'll die trying to reach new heights and uncharted territories.

Uncharted

Title: Uncharted
Artist: Sara Bareilles
Album: Kaleidoscope Heart

No words
But tears won't make any room for more
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before
This is no broken heart
No familiar scars
This territory goes uncharted

Just me in a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me
And now I've too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted

I'm stuck under the ceiling I made
I can't help but feeling
I'm going down
Follow if you wanna or just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out of foolproof ideas
So don't ask me how to get started
It's all uncharted

Each day
I'm counting up the minutes till I get alone
Cos I can't stay in the middle of it all
It's nobody's fault but I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
Oh, everything is uncharted

I know I'm getting nowhere when I only sit and stare like
I'm going down
Follow if you wanna or just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out of foolproof ideas
So don't ask me how to get started
It's all uncharted

Jumpstart my kaleidoscope heart
Love to watch the colors fade
They may not make sense but they sure as hell made me
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the roads to be late
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out
Compare where you are to where you wanna be
And you'll get nowhere

I'm going down
Follow if you wanna or just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out of foolproof ideas
So don't ask me how to get started, oh

I'm going down
Follow if you wanna or just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out of foolproof ideas
So don't ask me how to get started
It's all uncharted

What type of gay guy are you?

What type of gay guy are you?

You are the committed type! You like to have one boy and you don't want to share him. You don't need anyone else but him. You're into fucking him every night and no one else.
Quiz by JustGuys.net - Free Gay Profiles. Take the quiz

What's your name's hidden meaning?

You Are Gracious and Amicable

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Bakit single ka pa rin?

(Sabog lang hahahaha!)

DISCLAIMER: Not all of these are necessarily my answers. (The "corny" ones are obviously not mine. =p)

With this list, you can close your eyes and point your finger on an item in the list. O di ba, may instant answer ka na the next time someone asks you that quintessential question.

1. Pinanganak ata ako sa maling panahon.
2. May girlfriend ka kasi eh.
3. Eh ikaw, bakit "in a relationship" ka?
4. I guess I'm having too much fun that I lost track of the reality. =p
5. At least it's not complicated! :>
6. Masyado na raw akong pinagpala sa ibang bagay eh.
7. Bihira lang kasi ang mahilig sa exotic.
8. Masyadong malapit kay Lord ang mga magulang ko. =))
9. I'm too friendly.
10. Naka-ilang take na kasi ako ng Flirting 101.
11. I'm the silent type, too silent to blurt out my thoughts. :|
12. May mairereto ka ba sa 'kin?
13. Hinihintay ko lang si *** na mag-out. ;))
14. Iba na ang nakagisnan.
15. Hindi pa lumalabas ang mga pangil ko. >:)
16. Is this a trick question?
17. Wala ako sa radar ng mga beki eh.
18. I am priceless!
19. [Mamili ka na lang sa first 18. Hahahaha.]

Scorpio boys

You Are Dramatic

Your positive traits: You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in Your negative traits: You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on Your ideal partner: Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task! Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed. Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis. Your dating style: Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date. Your seduction style: Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real. You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it. Tips for the future: Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you* Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive. Best color to attract mate: Dark red Best day for a date: Tuesday

What's Your Love Profile?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

Written in the stars?

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Holler

I'm not deleting my blog or anything. Instead, I decided to change the URL and will soon make further changes to this site. =)

http://myellipsishastwodots.blogspot.com/

Watch the sun come up

Was it all just inside my head? Those fond memories from not so distant past, yet felt like from an entirely different realm. Much as I want them back and be real, I fear that I get disillusioned and sent crashing down in the cold, hard ground when I get what I wish for.

I miss those days under the long white cloud, where I found my moment, my place under the sun. I'm still here, still waiting nonetheless. Breathing and carrying on with life, every single day I'm away from my haven.



Title: Watch the Sun Come Up
Artist: Example
Album: Won't Go Quietly

Hey, good morning
Hey, it's calling
Hey, good morning
Watch the sun come up
It's calling
I want another day with you

How can I explain it scratchin my brain
How can 10 hours feel like 10 years?
I cry 10 men’s tears as it disappears
With the passionate atmosphere
Took your glove as a souvenir
Left the other on the pillow as I stroked your ear
One last breathe of your hair, stared for a second
Then the doorway beckoned
I’m a lover not a fighter
So I didn’t fight the fact that I more than liked ya
Didn’t matter we were under influence
Made sense this was more than lust
I don’t own you, you don’t own me
One night only, if only
I could take you back and just show you off
But I guess if I did that, the magic is lost

Pre chorus:

Believe me I wanna stay
But I'm off and away

Chorus:

Hey, Good Morning
Watch the sun come up
It’s calling
I want another day with you

Verse 2:

You and that red dress - What a pairing
I kept staring, you couldn’t have said less
Cant let my head rest, thinking about ya,
Really wanna look into your catwoman eyes
Turn back time, cause it flies by
You know, them Marty mcfly vibes
See, I can picture the bright lights
Sights and night skies and boats go by
I don’t why it happened so fast
When I tried to speak your language I'm happy you laughed
Cause I’m hardly a linguist
Spoke through kisses you didn’t speak English
And It was hard to distinguish
Love at first sight or holiday romance?
Don’t care I was lost in the moment
I really shoulda missed that flight

Pre Chorus:

Believe me I wanna stay
But I’m going away

Chorus:

Hey, Good Morning
Watch the sun come up
It’s calling
I want another day with you
Hey, Good Morning
Watch the sun come up
It’s calling
I want just one more day with you

Middle 8:

I don’t think I could be dreaming I felt your touch
No I remember you breathing when I woke up
Now all I have are these memories I can't trust
Just one day, wont be enough

Chorus:

Hey, Good Morning
Watch The Sun Come Up
It’s calling
I want another day with you
Hey, Good Morning
Watch The Sun Come Up
It’s calling
I want another day with you

Some personality test

Personality Profile for Icy Flame

TEST ONE

Crikey, you're ever so slightly bonkers! You've probably got loads of chums though - for some reason people who are one brick short of a full load are quite popular. SUMMARY - You've got kangaroos in the top paddock (that's Australian for barmy). Stay away from sharp objects.

TEST TWO

You're just a little bit of a meanie!

TEST THREE

If you chose the squiggly line then you're always in a hurry. You get bored every eight pico-seconds and have to constantly find new challenges. You may be incredibly enthusiastic, but your 'ants in your pants' chopping and changing attitude to life means you'll probably turn out to be a jack of all trades, master of none. You're quite good fun at parties and you can put up quite a steady(ish) shelf (if called on to do so). Basically, you're one of life's 'slightly useful' people.

TEST FOUR

You're quite open and honest, but can be introverted at times. You're a little bit dominated by your mother. Your father dominates you. You're a little shy when it comes to sex. You're a bit of a flirty type. Your sexual desire is normal compared to other 'normal' people, if you can find some. You can be emotional at times, and you're hard on the surface, but wibbly underneath. You have plenty of friends, but very few (if any) that you feel close to.

You can take the quiz here!

Marchin' on

It's easier to just succumb to the negativities I've been experiencing for the longest time. But I dunno, I just don't wanna bow and acknowledge that the dark clouds lord my life. There's something within me that wanna wage war against them, to reclaim pieces of me that has tarnished. It isn't gonna be decided by a singgle battle though; it's a day-to-day effort to remain sane and standing, unwavering and determined.



Title: Marchin' On
Artist: OneRepublic
Album: Waking Up

For those days we felt like a mistake
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow
We keep marchin on

For those nights when I couldn't be there
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know
We're not what we've seen

For this dance we'll move with each other
There ain't no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marchin on.

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we save
But we'll have the heart not to lose it

For all of the times we've stopped
For all of the things I'm not

We put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't got no other
We go where we go
We're marchin on
Marchin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marchin on

Rise above this

Is this QLC? Is this some bottomless pit that sucks the fun and vigor off me? Is this all the cares in the world trying to overwhelm my frail and limited being? I dunno, I wish I have all the answers so I don't even have to ask questions.

But then, when one's downtrodden, there's no other way but to climb back up even if it takes inch by inch and done in a painstaking manner. Maybe after all, there's something within us that can conquer gravity. I hope that despite my limitations, something within gets unleashed to hurdle all of these worries, doubts and frustrations.



Title: Rise Above This
Artist: Seether
Album: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Airplanes

I just wish I could ride that plane and break free from these shackles of my usual day-to-day existence. Hoping to soar the night sky, touch the stars (and see for myself if indeed, as Moby declares in his 2K2 song, "we are all made of stars") and land in time to feel the warmth of the new sunrise. Then somehow, in that landing ground, something with unusual yet comforting warmth captivates me, my entirety that is.



Title: Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams)
Artist: B.o.B
Album: The Adventures of B.o.B

[Chorus: Hayley Williams (B.o.B)]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now

[Verse 1: B.o.B]
Ya, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
'Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you starin' at that phone in your lap
And you hopin' but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for if you had one chance?
So we're playin' airplane, sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night

[Chorus: Hayley Williams (B.o.B)]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars? (Shooting stars)
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars? (Shooting Stars)
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)

[Verse 2: B.o.B]
Ya, ya, somebody take me back to the days
Befo' this was a job, befo' I got paid
Befo' it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Ya, back when I was tryin' to get a tip at Subway
And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it
But nowadays we rappin' to stay relevant
I'm guessin' that if we can make some wishes outta' airplanes
Then maybe oh maybe I'll back to the days
Befo' the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain't nobody listen to my mixtape
And back befo' I tried to cover up my slang
But this is fo' the hater, what's up Bobby Ray?
So can I get a wish
To end the politics
And get back to the music
That started this shit?
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta' airplanes

[Chorus: Hayley Williams (B.o.B)]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars? (Shooting Stars)
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars? (Shooting Stars)
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)
Wish right now (Wish right now)

[Outro: B.o.B]
I could really use a wish right now
(I could really use a wish right now)
I-I-I could really use a wish right now
(I could really use a wish right now)
Like, like, like shootin' stars
(Like shootin' stars)
I-I-I-I could really use a wish right now
(I could really use a wish right now)
A wish, a wish right now
(A wish right now)

Maybe someday..

I just wish Rob Thomas (or someone like him) would write me a song. For now, let this track off his latest album Cradlesong sink into my system.



Title: Someday
Artist: Rob Thomas
Album: Cradlesong

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

[Chorus:]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

[Chorus]

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

[x2]
Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

Still here

Title: If It's Love
Artist: Train
Album: Save Me, San Francisco

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

[Chorus]
If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

[Chorus]

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

Enneagram Eight

Shameless plug

I momentarily break the silence in this blog with a shameless plug. C'mon, let's try to get to know one another a bit better. =p

Eargasm

I'm eagerly looking forward to the next album of these musical acts. Each of them has at least a track included in the "soundtrack" to my past overseas experiences, the most exciting chapter of my life before I finally accepted my sexuality. While waiting for their albums to finally get serious spins in my iPod, allow me to reminisce through my all-time fave song from these groups.

MGMT is a Grammy nominated American musical duo based in Brooklyn, New York, consisting of Ben Goldwasser and Andrew VanWyngarden. Their new album, Congratulations, will be released on April 13, 2010. (Wikipedia)



Coheed and Cambria is an American rock band from New York, formed in 1995. The band incorporates aspects of progressive rock, punk rock, heavy metal and post-hardcore. They recently finished their fifth studio album Year of the Black Rainbow, with a confirmed release date of April 13, 2010. (Wikipedia)



LCD Soundsystem is the musical project of American producer James Murphy, co-founder of dance-punk label DFA Records. The group's style is a mix of dance music and punk, along with elements of disco and other styles. On February 23rd, the official LCD Soundsystem website announced that the album had been completed. Neither a title nor cover art have yet to be announced. (Wikipedia)



Arcade Fire is an indie rock band based in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, and fronted by the husband and wife duo of Win Butler and Régine Chassagne. The band are very close to completion of their third album, due for release mid-to-late summer of 2010. (Wikipedia)



Jimmy Eat World is an American alternative rock band from Mesa, Arizona, formed in 1993. The band is composed of lead vocalist and guitarist Jim Adkins, guitarist and backing vocalist Tom Linton, bassist Rick Burch and drummer Zach Lind. There is unconfirmed report that they are planning on releasing their new album sometime in 2010. (Wikipedia)

"Nanay"

Ilang weeks pa lang ako sa mundong ito nang kunin nyo ko sa mga magulang ko para ikaw ang mag-alaga sa 'kin. Noong time na yun, isang taon pa lang kasal sina Mom and Dad at medyo nangangapa pa sa buhay bilang mag-asawa at mga magulang. At tradisyon daw sa side ninyo na ang panganay na anak ay lumalaki sa kalinga ng lolo't lola. Kaya pala si Ninong (kuya ng Dad ko) eh sa Bulacan hanggang noong nagtapos siya ng high school.

Sabi mo, ako ang pinaka-spoiled na bata noong panahon na 'yun. Tuwing Linggo ay pinapasyal ninyo ako ng yaya ko. Kung saan-saan tayo nakakarating at nagagawa kong kumain kung saan ko gusto at madalas nga eh kapag nakakita ako ng Jollibee, sabi mo pagpipilitan kong bumaba tayo para kumain dun kahit na alanganin ang lokasyon. Tapos di ko naman halos gagalawin yung pagkain. Noong 4th birthday ko, pinaghanda ninyo ako ni Tatay sa Jollibee somewhere sa Taft at niregaluhan pa ng malaking sidecar.

Nakwento mo rin kung gaano karaming bote ng Johnson's baby powder ang kinalat ko sa sahig ng bahay ninyo dati sa Tondo. At kung ilang beses din akong nahulog sa hagdan dahil sa sobrang kalikutan ko. Dahil dyan, andami kong bukol. Grabe, bata pa lang ako, may katigasan na ang ulo ko.

Pero despite my being a brat, hindi ka nagkulang sa pag-aalaga sa 'kin. Ikaw ang nag-instill sa akin ng kahalagahan ng edukasyon sa murang edad. Araw-araw noong preschool ako, ikaw ang naghatid at sumundo sa akin sa eskwelahan. Pinagmamalaki mo ko sa mga parents at guardians ng mga kaklase ko kung gaano ako katalino. Nakwento mo rin na may isang exam noong Nursery ako na napa-office tayo pareho. Kasi ine-explain pa lang ng teacher yung instructions, sumasagot na ko sa exam. Akala tuloy eh may leakage. Napahiya natin sila noong nasa office tayo, kasi pinabasa ako ng lahat ng nakapaskil sa pader at nabasa ko sila nang maayos. Kung alam lang nila kung ilang libro, dyaryo at komiks ang pinababasa mo sa kin mula noong 3 years old pa ko. Tapos, naalala ko noong Prep ako na pinagalitan mo ko kasi ang laki masyado ng sulat ko at pinagpractice mo ko ng pagsulat nang maayos. Salamat sa 'yo at masasabi kong matino ang penmanship ko.

Andami mong sakripisyo para sa 'kin. Isang taon din tayong di kinibo nina Mom and Dad kasi ayaw kong sumama sa kanila pabalik sa 'min noong nagtapos na ko ng Nursery. Ilang beses mo rin akong pinangaralan dahil sa kakulitan at katigasan ng ulo ko. At noong bumalik na ko sa 'min after Preschool, di mabilang ang pagkakataon na hinatid-sundo mo ko para lang mag-spend ng weekend sa inyo. Kaya ka siguro nagka-arthritis dahil sa 'kin.

Ngayong nakatapos na ko ng pag-aaral, aaminin ko na di na kita gaanong nabibigyan ng atensyon, kung kelan mas napalapit na bahay nyo sa 'min. Once a month, natutulog nga ko sa inyo pero di rin kita halos nakakasama kasi gabi na rin ako nakakatuloy sa inyo and mas ginugugol ko ang oras na mag-surf sa net. Nagi-guilty rin ako, lalo na't alam ko ang realidad na hindi na rin gaano katagal ang ilalagi ninyo sa mundong ito.

Ngayong kaarawan mo, gusto kong sabihin at ipadama sa 'yo kung gaano kita kamahal. Malaki ang iniambag mo sa buhay ko. Maaaring naging spoiled ako noon (and siguro hanggang ngayon hahaha), pero malaki ang kontribusyon mo kaya masasabi kong matino naman ang tinatakbo ng buhay ko sa ngayon. At bilang ganti, sisikapin kong ibigay ang pagpapahalagang nararapat para sa 'yo. Mahal kita, Nanay and happy birthday sa 'yo.

[QUIZ] What type of man turns Icy Flame on?

Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Action movie star

You scored 55% masculine, 53% athletic, 64% exotic, and 63% refined!

You love a manly man and you don't have time for boys. You like someone who looks exotic and who takes care of his body and hygiene. That is a good idea in case you are trying to eat jello shooters off of his beautiful 6 pack. Someone like.....Jean-Claude Van Damme, Belgium's hottest export. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

Take The What type of MAN turns you on Test at OkCupid

==========

What the heck?! Like Van Damme is so B-rated! LOL.W

Time first!

Let's take a break from my melancholic posts and have a gulp of Dick. LOL.

You got me

I liked you at first sight. Your seemingly quiet and child-like ways got me. Really got me. Despite my obvious imperfections, I found at least for a time a reason to go beyond those personal issues and found someone who gave me a reason to smile even without words being exchanged. Too bad, I was never able to profess my feelings to you. I easily let fear, intimidation and all those monsters creep in. More importantly, I realised that I don't wanna be a dead weight to you, as I was somewhat aware of your state at that time.

You never had an idea how you made me shed tears uncontrollably one time while conversing online with a friend, as I recount those moments - those might-have-beens. They may be just all inside my head, but I was affected nonetheless. Delusional, I seem to be. How can you ever like someone like me? I personally never experienced being told that I'm the object of her/his affection. And as much as I was fond of you, I didn't really expect such from you. But it's alright, I managed and will manage. I lived without those for 24 years and will carry on living. But who am I kidding?

I may not be a demigod in terms of physical features, but I'm no devil either when it comes to my ways. I won't pounce at the open door unexpectedly exposed to me. No I won't. I'll let you be you. You're young and I think you're intelligent. Go and explore your world. It's been made available to you. As for me, the next time I fall for anyone, I better learn to love myself first.

(Sitting in my Drafts folder since January 4, 2010)

P.S. I can say that I've "moved on" from this episode. Pardon my being immature and amateur at the same time.

Dear Kuya

Pst.

Ikaw sana ang naging kalaro ko noong bata pa tayo. Siguro hindi ako naturingang lampa at maski papaano eh hindi lang puro libro ang kasa-kasama ko.

Malamang pinagtulungan natin ang mga bullies ko sa school and sa street natin. Siguro naturuan mo rin ako maski papaano kung paano dumiskarte sa mga chicks noong high school kahit na alam kong noon pa lang eh may hindi tipikal na sa aking pagkatao.

Siguro ikaw ang naging guide ko sa pag-explore ng UP noong freshie pa lang ako. Tapos narinig ko ang mga kwento mo tungkol sa pakikisalamuha mo sa iba't ibang mga tao simula noong makatapak ka sa Pamantasan. Siguro kahit na lamang ako sa iyo sa katalinuhan, alam mong ikaw ang tinitingala ko pagdating sa kakisigan at galing sa pakikisama sa mga tao. Baka nga dahil sa pagiging open-minded mo, eh naipagtapat ko na sa 'yo noon pa na hindi ako straight.

Baka ngayon eh may sarili ka nang pamilya at may mga pamangkin na ko sa 'yo. Naalala ko tuloy na kanina, habang nag-dinner ako, sinabi ko kina Mom na feeling ko mas mauuna pa kong magka-pamangkin kesa magkaroon ng sariling anak. Hahaha.

Too bad, I won't get the chance to meet you - ever. Ganito na lang siguro, every time naiisip ko ang what might have been kung andito ka, I just experience inside the pain of longing - the pain caused by someone I never had in the first place. Of many things I wished for in my life, I would have wanted to have my own big brother and utter that powerful 4-letter word. "Kuya"

(Sitting in my Drafts folder since September 14, 2K9)

Desire..

Title: I Still Remember
Artist: Bloc Party
Album: A Weekend in the City

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

==========

Lukso ng dugo indeed when I first heard this song in NU 107 3 years ago. While this song is on repeat in my iPod, I can picture myself strolling through a place full of memories, yet I'm aware that those images flashing in my head will remain mere mementos of what have occurred. Bittersweet, aye?

I came across some articles saying that the lyrics is based on Bloc Party lead singer Kele Okereke's personal experiences as someone who desires another guy. While he didn't confirm anything about his sexuality, he just said something like "it's about desiring someone you can't really have". And in one particular article I read, I love the question he posed: "When was the last time you heard an interesting pop song that actually tried to give you a different perspective on desire?"

Be this bromantic or something more than that, you be the judge. As for me, I just love how the lyrics of this song gives words to those unspeakable feelings and yearnings I've been through before my self-acceptance. Right now, I can more or less concur that "there are alternative ways of behaving, of living one's life."

Sporadic thoughts

• I'm really more of a thinker than a writer. I just hope that my pen (or my keyboard in this case) can keep up with my mind, which is in a constant state of flux.
• There's really something about listening to British music that evokes this sorta nostalgic feeling, more like yearning. It's like I'm being drawn to a place I've never been to my whole life, yet feels like home for my wandering and restless soul.
• I'd rather be a shepherd than be a sheep, any given day. It isn't really much of a bother for me to take the road less travelled.
• "I am a very busy person, but I always have time for new friends." (Actually, this is a deviated version of a line from one of my fave tracks last year.)
• One advantage of being a late bloomer is that I'm able to maintain a sense of awe and childlikeness with every new experience coming my way. Hehehe.

"I'm still here.."

Title: World Spins Madly On
Artist: The Weepies
Album: Say I Am You

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

365 days and counting..

A year ago, after almost 2 years of lurking through PinoyExchange's Alternative Preferences sub-forum and the sexuality threads in Family, Friends and Society forum, I finally mustered some courage to start participating in the threads there. As I was cautious to post using my existing username which is very much active in another PEx forum, I decided to register using another nickname.

What better way to describe my state at that time than to picture a wandering moth being drawn to a fiery yet seductive flame. That was me since I started to discover my attraction towards other guys back in high school, despite growing up in a biblical Christian family and attending church every Sunday. At the same time, having fended for myself 'coz of not having a barkada during my growing years, I was experiencing pangs of jealousy seeing these well-bonded groups of bright individuals through the PEx threads. I was enticed, like a moth to a flame.

February 22, 2009. I consider this as the date when I finally accepted the fact that I'm not straight. 365 days later, as I was reading through my early posts in the Straight-Natured Gay Guys (SNAGG) thread, I was painting an image as to how the days passed by between then and now. I can't say I've become a better person. I can't say that I've indeed found what I'm looking for. Heck, I'm still single and inexperienced in many ways. I still feel like a child trapped in a twenteen-something male's body. I'm still skinny and 20 pounds underweight. My personal issues still resurface from time to time. Yet, reading through those online scribbles, I was like "Whoa, was that me?!"

I never imagined myself organising meet-ups and gatherings, let alone events with people who are outside my usual sphere. I remember incidents in high school wherein I was this skinny, short and geeky kid whom no one wants to be with in groupings, when outside the academic circles. I remember that no one wanted to join me in shooting a music video for our Music class back in 3rd year, even though I was one of the few students in class who had digicam. I was so uncool and unhip. But in a year, I found myself planning for 4 gatherings and as of this writing another one is coming up this weekend.

I never imagined myself as well being not just surrounded by, but also being friends with bright, good-looking and well-intentioned guys. I was an outcast back in high school. The jocks and hearthrobs in the class approach me when either they need help in their homeworks or they need someone to become the scuttlebutt of jokes. The past few months, I found myself texting, interacting online with and meeting up other guys, and getting to know them as well. I consider some of them as more than casual friends and I'm really hoping we're stuck for a very long time.

With some experiences I've had the past year, which I never experienced in my first 23 years (save for my 5-month stint in New Zealand and some wonderful moments back in college), I can't help but think that I'm not the best person in the world to deserve these. I just hope to be who I really am, live it out and hopefully others can learn to appreciate me and the life I lead.

Yada yada aside, there are heaps of stuff to deal with. My exploration, not just of my sexuality but more importantly my life, is still ongoing. This time though, I know I'm not alone and I don't have to.

Of robberies and good fortunes

I was supposed to go to Alabang Town Center Sunday afternoon, after having slept over in my cousins' place near Perpetual in Las Pinas. I boarded the Erjohn bus, as it was the only bus line passing through Alabang-Zapote Road that drops off at Town Center.

Almost 1km from where I boarded, I heard a commotion inside the bus as I was listening to my iPod (Postal Service tracks to be exact). I thought an altercation occurred between passengers. Shock of my life when I saw 5 or 6 men pointing revolvers to the passengers while taking their stuff. My instinct was to hide my bulky backpack under my seat. I placed my headset inside the slot by the side of my seat. (I was originally seated by the aisle at the 6th row behind the driver, but when the 2 passengers got off, I moved to their previous seat and was situated there by myself.) The gruelling ordeal took place all within 5 minutes, but those were the longest 5 minutes of my life (thus far). I dunno what happened, but for some reason the holduppers didn't approach me. Maybe the conductor (whom I suspect was a cohort of these wannabe thugs) was an angel in disguise. He stood at my area, as if he were covering me up. The holduppers grabbed a student's entire stuff, to which the student cried and exclaimed, "Maawa po kayo. Pang-aral ko 'yan." To which one of the goons replied, "May pa-histe-hysterical ka pa dyan." Then they got off.

The bus managed to move forward by a few inches, when the passengers saw a police detachment. We frantically got off the bus, with some passengers panicking "Baka balikan tayo ng mga holdaper." I, who was surprisingly calm and alert almost the entire incident, albeit unobservant to many things that occurred, suddenly felt a surge of pent-up tension rising in me as I was leaving the bus. I just got the urge to run as fast as I could towards BF Resort. There I hurriedly boarded a tricycle, taking me to Prinsa (a shortcut connecting BF Las Pinas to Bacoor, Cavite). From there, I was basically uneasy as I was boarding a jeep then a tricycle, until I finally landed home.

My personal plans of relaxation didn't go as scheduled. What matters more though is that at least I still have some more time in my hands to schedule things out. I lost my almost 1-week old headset. What matters more though is that I can still listen to and appreciate music.

==========

A good friend of mine kamui, from the forum site, got stabbed twice last Saturday night, as he was headed to a night-out with other forum guys.The 2 holduppers got his wallet. Still fortunate somehow that the steak knife was dull, hence there were no major damage to his organs. He just got out of the hospital hours ago and we're hoping for his speedy and full recovery. I got alarmed when I heard the news 'coz I hang out with him and some other forum guys Friday night. How things can drastically change in the course of 24 hours.

And just today, I learned from another good friend bronxdude that his beau Pronghorn's bag got slashed as he was aboard a bus. Really grateful that nothing was gotten from him. It was Pronghorn's first day at work in Makati.

Dream scene #3

I can clearly remember that there was a guy who had a very thin yet sharp metal cutter. That guy whom we met in an earlier gathering turned out to be a serial killer on the loose. At that moment, he could have hacked my body off but I was able to evade the possible fatal situation I was in. A stab wound at my lower back was a reminder of that incident. I was running away at a speed greater than what I could have achieved in my entire life. At the same time, I kept on holding my bleeding back side..

When I woke up, I just found myself checking my back if it has sustained any wounds. And it was an hour after my cellphone alarmed. It's very rare for me to not be awakened by the alarm. In fact, I often wake up ahead of it.

My S.A.D. songs for 2010

I feel kinda lazy to start the post which I conceptualised days ago. For now though, I'm sharing these 2 songs which are playing in my head at the moment.

Jason Castro - Let's Just Fall in Love Again



Michael Bublé - Haven't Met You Yet

Spread the mayer-naise

Methinks John Mayer songs will always have a special place in my life, before as a college student and now as a young adult. Maybe because his lyrics or even his melodies alone stir up a certain blend of emotions that define some personal experiences I've been through, even if some of those turned out to be mundane when viewed from a day-to-day perspective.

Back in my freshman year, "No Such Thing", which was from his breakthrough album Room for Squares, was a huge hit in the US and here. First line goes, "Welcome to the real world, she said to me condescendingly.." Indeed, college life was a peep hole into that so-called real world I'm gonna be stepping into years after that. I remember that I was a sheltered teenager back then whose bubble got burst when I studied in the State University and got exposed to many different kinds of people, ideas and experiences that's continually changing me up to this very day.

That same academic year, "Love Song for No One" was released on radio. It's just funny how up to this day I find myself singing the line "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here.." And now that S.A.D. is fast approaching, I'm being reminded yet again of how exciting it is to be a single guy (and, at the back of my head, wonder how it is to be on the other end of the spectrum, if you know what I'm saying).

Other John Mayer songs that are in my favourites list would have to be "New Deep", "Clarity", "Daughters" (all from Heavier Things), "Waiting on the World to Change", "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" (both from Continuum), "Say" (from The Bucket List soundtrack) and "Heartbreak Warfare" (from his latest album Battle Studies).

And I now officially include this song in the list.

Title: Half of My Heart (feat. Taylor Swift)
Artist: John Mayer
Album: Battle Studies

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...

Half of my heart
Half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart

POSTSCRIPT: This post was partly inspired by red the mod's most recent series of blog entries.

Tonight's the night..

This was months in the making, but for some reason circumstances surfaced one after the other, which caused the delay of this very special and life-changing meeting. The goal? For me to finally "come out" to my cousin, with whom I spent most of my childhood since we both grew up under our paternal grandparents' care.

I came to our meeting place making sure that we're both gonna be there and that the night won't end without me telling her those 3 words - "I'm not straight." It's like I'm putting a rope around the neck in the process, but whatever. I just sense that I'm now ready to disclose this part of me to someone. This may not be with my parents or any of my 5 younger siblings, but nonetheless it's with someone in our family.

Finally, we met over dinner. I barely touched the food actually and instead found myself stalling time. Akala ko ba handa na ko? Sensing that I'm veering off tonight's charted goal, I finally mustered enough courage to tell her those 3 magic words. Lo and behold, she told me to give her a moment to absorb what I just said. I found out from her that despite us growing up together and me sleeping over their house every now and then, she doesn't really know me and that it never occurred to her that I'm also into guys. What's interesting is that she started asking me questions, which I believe is a product more of an open mindset, than a condescending one. She asked me about my gaydar (told her that I'm improving, but I don't really use it hehehe), whether I wanna join her in the gym (told her if I have my way, I'd rather engage in wall-climbing or some similar sport) and about my friends. I promised her that I'll introduce her to some of my friends at some point and that I'll make sure that she's gonna meet my future SO. Hahaha. In turn, I told her that I hope to meet her boyfriend. Madaya, kasi akala ko di pa sila "legal" kaya ako naglakas-loob na umamin sa kanya.

We ended the night strolling around, then we parted ways upon arriving the terminal. For me, I realised that I was really happy when I finally confided and risked trusting on someone. One down, many more to go. For now, allow me to relish this night.

Of fuel and eggs

I'm just glad that our gathering last Saturday turned out to be a success. What matters anyway is that we had fun and enjoyed one another's company, regardless on the actual turn-out, right?

I'm not the best storyteller in the world, so I'm gonna skip the details. I'll just focus on some random realisations, post-February 6 gathering:

• Having met 2 non-forum guys (who happened to be friends of someone I really look up to), I realised that it's about time I stop placing all my eggs in a single basket. For almost a year since I declared my being a PLU, all the other PLUs I've met are from the forum I frequent to. While it's really fun to be with quite a number of them (and a few turned out to be real-life buddies, well outside gatherings that is), I guess they're just a subset of what's really out there.
  
  Anyway, these 2 guys happened to be bloggers. And I admitted to them that I'm not that confident yet as far as my blogging skills are concerned. Thankfully, I've gotten some words of wisdom from them regarding that matter, albeit we only got to hang out within a limited period. Nonetheless, I hope it isn't the last time I'm gonna meet them. In fact, I hope this is a start of a new season for me. I haven't enjoyed meeting new people like this, ever since I gotten back from New Zealand. I hope to really meet and make new friends (and ehem who knows?) through various means and situations being presented to me.

• Despite a personal/not-so-personal setback I experienced early last week, I'm thankful that the event somewhat vindicated me and my friends. I just realised that the situation that upset me only fuelled all the more my desire to see through the event's success. It has happened to me several times before.
  
  Back in elementary, I endured incessant bullying from my classmates and ended up as valedictorian. High school, I finished valedictorian despite experiencing being alienated from my batchmates, because of my being nerd and un-cool. (I don't drink, smoke, go out, have any girlfriend back then, was rather short and thin, wore glasses, ad infinitum.) In college, I remember this incident wherein my sport-climbing instructor was singling me out during our class because he thought I was being pathetic during wall climbs. Come finals, I proved him wrong for belittling me. I may not have reached the top of the wall, but I managed to reach the point where he thought I would fail. (Sayang, type ko pa naman siya maski papaano. Hahaha.)

Indeed, one song I sang during the videoke session was apt to sum up that night. Altogether now..

"I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night.."

Dream scene #2

Basta parang I was kidnapped and locked in a room. Yung 2 nakabantay sa room ko, parehong hunks. Ang lalaki ng katawan, pero mukhang pretty boys. Sila yung tipong jock types na hindi sasantuhin mga kalaban nila. Tapos, basta na-realise ko na lang na kaya kong maging invisible. I was able to sneak out of that room. Ang liit ng katawan ko ah pero I was able to handle them both. I grabbed them both by the hair and forced them to kiss each other's lips. Shucks, sila ang naghahalikan pero ramdam ko kung gaano kalalambot mga labi nila at to be fair bagay silang dalawa. Sayang, nagising ako.

How indie am I?

Indie Personality Test Results

52% Indie Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very liberal, independent minded, self identify as an outsider, shun materialism and popular culture, and have an aversion to organized religion. While high scorers are more intellectual than average, they are probably more artistically astute than intellectually avante guard (i.e. they are more likely to know of new interesting new bands/artists/writers than the best way to extract energy from a hydrogen atom. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more materialistic, conservative, corporate friendly, social and are more likely to be religious.

Take Free Indie Personality Test
by Indie Harbor.com

Which office moron am I?

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

Whataya want from me?

Title: Whataya Want from Me
Artist: Adam Lambert
Album: For Your Entertainment


Hey, slow it down
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah, I'm afraid
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
I would give myself away
(Ooh) Once upon a time
I didn't give a damn
But now here we are
So whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try but I think
You could save my life

Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up on me
I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

So
Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
(Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me 

Dream scene #1

(I will try my best to once in a while paint a picture of my dreams, as I recall them. I believe that whenever we have dreams, they are somewhat channels to unlock what's in our subconscious mind.)


I was in an airport one November morning. (I think it's past the 18th of the month, not sure of what year it is in the future. 2010 or 2011?) While waiting to board my plane which will take me to Wellington for a 6-month stay there, I decided to call up a good PLU friend. I haven't told anyone outside my family of my travel plans. So there I dialled up his number to break the news. First attempt to reach him, a girl answered the phone. She introduced herself as PLU friend's work colleague. Friend is currently off his desk, she mentioned. Call back shortly. OK, just as I already got my boarding pass, I decided to call him up again. Time is running out for me. Second time, he finally responded. I told him the news that I'm leaving. His response was a puzzling "Oh". Not sure if those 2 letters ended with a question mark or a period or an exclamation mark..

My eyes opened up, seeing that it's still dark outside.

Positivity

After a rather emotionally draining day, I just decided out of jest to take a long stroll from Ayala MRT Station to Legaspi Park then back (to think that my shuttle terminal is just beside the MRT Station). While taking that long route, my attempt to cry 'coz of many usual personal issues (trivial or otherwise) was in vain. But sometime during that walk, I just sensed something different, something comforting. Maybe has to do with the adrenaline rush, but whatever it is, I felt like I can think straight now. I just realised that these circumstances I've been facing, many of them are products of the mind games I play.

I'm kinda anxious of being with people in general, primarily 'coz of nagging thoughts that the other party already have a pre-defined negative impression of me or that I'm not worthy of his/her company. Let's see - I have this long-standing issues with my physical looks and how it affects my potential to be someone's SO sooner or later. For me, I still look too geeky and physically unappealing to be someone's beau.

I just illustrated how my thoughts shape my actions, responses and behaviour in general. In turn, these shaped how I interacted with other people and perceived myself. During that moment of "brilliance", I just realised (not for the first time, but maybe it's a bit vivid to me now) that maybe it's about time I reinforce my own thoughts. At the end of the day, I have myself as my own ally, regardless on whether I have zero or a bunch of friends.

Thoughts won't change reality as it comes and unveils itself, but I believe they'll be huge help in changing my outlook as to how I view myself and others. Allow me to share some positive reinforcements I came up for myself:

- I'm someone worth knowing, liking and loving. Likewise, someone out there also deserves to be known, liked and loved.
- Believe it or not myself, I make someone in the universe smile just by thoughts of me.
- Regardless on when or whether the SO will come, my ability to love is not defined by his/her presence in my life.
- I am handsome in someone else's eyes.
- There's someone out there who would be willing to trade shoes with me.

I may be verging on delusion with some of these "reinforcements", but I can say is that having been focused on  the negative side of things for one too many moments, somehow I'm still grounded on reality that things won't easily change. I just hope that whenever I feel down, I get even the tiniest boost of confidence and reason just to get going with life and all its hurdles.

First Date Quiz

Your result for This test will tell you what your perfect first date is!...

The Comedy Club/Cabaret Show Date

Why not try looking on your local listings guide for upcoming gigs?

You are a pretty confident person but like the rest of us you sometimes struggle to keep a constant patter of chit chat going. You feel most comfortable with your close friends and family who would probably describe you as funny and entertaining.
Your ideal 1st date would be in a Comedy Club or Cabaret Show, this means that you can chat to your date in between acts and gives you lots to discuss afterwards.
Make sure you choose something you both like though, you don't want to make the first date uncomfortable for the both of you.
Good Luck!

Take This test will tell you what your perfect first date is! at OkCupid

The Dating Persona Test

The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Steady, reliable, and cradling him tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer
Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you’re a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The men left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal man is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.
While you’re not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

What's your dating persona?

No pain..

For the longest time, the rebel in me wants to get this:

I'm not really very much into ear piercings, but I'm really fascinated on sporting one on my left eyebrow.

I'm stanned

Name: Stan Walker

Candy Creds:

• He's an Australian of Kiwi descent and the 7th and latest winner of Australian Idol (where Guy Sebastian came from). His first single "Black Box" is currently #1 in the RIANZ Singles chart and inside the Top 5 of ARIA Singles chart.
• I've got this thing for baldies. Well technically he's sporting a close-cropped haircut, but I love how his exotic yet innocent looking face (but with shrewd undertone) is exposed for me to die for and kiss non-stop the world to see.
• I'm not really cool with tattoos until recently, but I feel like I wanna be a vampire right now.
• Seeing his face, I'm all the more inspired to finally consult a dermatologist.

(Photo taken from his last.fm account)

Where are your friends tonight?

I first heard this song almost around this time 2 years ago. This was my first exposure to "non-mainstream" music, since for the longest time I was solely dependent on what's on the music charts. Also, around this time, I was experiencing intense "withdrawal" brought about by my 3 months' stint in Wellington. I was missing my friends, my surrounding, my independence, my life, my everything when I was still there.

With all these mentioned, I must say that I loved this from the first listen, so much that I decided to check out tracks from this artist.

Title: All My Friends
Artist: LCD Soundsystem
Album: Sound of Silver

That's how it starts.
We go back to your house.
We check the charts,
And start to figure it out.

And if it's crowded, all the better,
because we know we're gonna be up late.
But if you're worried about the weather
then you picked the wrong place to stay.
That's how it starts.

And so it starts.
You switch the engine on.
We set controls for the heart of the sun,
one of the ways we show our age.

And if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up
and I still don't wanna stagger home.
Then it's the memory of our betters
that are keeping us on our feet.

You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan,
and the next five years trying to be with your friends again.

You're talking 45 turns just as fast as you can,
yeah, I know it gets tired, but it's better when we pretend.

It comes apart,
the way it does in bad films.
Except in parts,
when the moral kicks in.

Though when we're running out of the drugs
and the conversation's winding away.
I wouldn't trade one stupid decision
for another five years of lies.

You drop the first ten years just as fast as you can,
and the next ten people who are trying to be polite.
When you're blowing eighty-five days in the middle of France,
Yeah, I know it gets tired only where are your friends tonight?

And to tell the truth.
Oh, this could be the last time.
So here we go,
like a sail's force into the night

And if I made a fool, if I made a fool, if I made a fool
on the road, there's always this.
And if I'm sewn into submission,
I can still come home to this.

And with a face like a dad and a laughable stand,
you can sleep on the plane or review what you said.
When you're drunk and the kids leave impossible tasks
you think over and over, "hey, I'm finally dead."

Oh, if the trip and the plan come apart in your hand,
you look contorted on yourself your ridiculous prop.
You forgot what you meant when you read what you said,
and you always knew you were tired, but then,
where are your friends tonight?

Where are your friends tonight?
Where are your friends tonight?

If I could see all my friends tonight,
If I could see all my friends tonight,
If I could see all my friends tonight,
If I could see all my friends tonight

#10yearsago

1. I was a high school junior back then and I fell short of entering the Grand Finals of Digital LG Quiz's first season, by missing a word in the correct answer to the final question during the last Quarterly Finals. Partida, I had chicken pox when that episode was taped and we were asking if they can re-schedule. Since they didn't approve of the idea, I showed up and had foundation applied to my face to cover up those spots. Anyway, had I made it all the way, the finale would have been aired on my 15th birthday. I still have some old photos and the video footages are hidden in my parents' closet, but I'm too ashamed to show to the world how uber-geeky and freaky I looked back then (not that I'm no longer geeky and freaky hahahaha).
2. During the summer break, I started tuning in to MTV which was still a blocktimer in Studio 23. Prior to that "groundbreaking" moment, my musical taste depended on what my parents were playing in the car or living room stereo - mostly religious songs or those that are being played in adult-contemporary FM stations.
   One of the first music videos I saw was *NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye". While my early favourites turned out to be "baduy" when compared to my classmates' (most of them were into the alternative genre), I can say that this was the stepping stone for me to explore my own musical preferences. More importantly, this was the point when I started making my own choices. I remember though that my parents didn't initially like the idea of us watching too much  MTV. They often point out the sexual stuff, the inane lyrics and the non-soothing melodies on the music videos being shown.
   
3. I first "discovered" that I'm attracted to guys. I started to notice that I'm feeling some movement under my underwear whenever I see photos of hot guys. However, with me becoming involved with youth group in church, I was thinking that it's a sin. Hence I feel guilt-stricken and pray for forgiveness immediately after wanking to my heart's delight while looking at those magazine/newspaper photos of those hunks. I promised not to do it again but days or weeks will pass by and the cycle repeats.
   Also, during that time I had female crushes as well. (To my defense, it wasn't my intention to use them to cover up the "tension" brewing in me, it's just that there are really attractive and intelligent girls in my batch.) I remember, I even got elected as the class escort (napagkatuwaan lang nila actually hahaha) and the muse was the new girl in our batch whom I remember for her attractive eyes when she smiles.
4. I started to realise what an odd ball I was, i.e. I was too geeky to function. My life back then was basically school, house and a bit of church on weekends. I remember one summer when my classmates boarded a jeep and saw me with my mom and siblings. I was envious that they get to hang out together, whereas I get to hang out with my family only. Furthermore, I felt sorry for myself 'coz no one even bother to invite me to join them whenever they go to the mall or chillax in some classmate's house. Even if I wanna join them, either I don't think my parents will give their permission or I might just feel "out of place" 'coz I don't drink or smoke. Also during this time, I was mostly a homebody because I can no longer endure how the kids from our neighbouring houses constantly tease me for being such a wimp and a weakling when it comes to games.

Isn't it crazy..?

Being a music chart follower, I've noticed how this band has been faring well in provincial radio countdowns (Monster Radio, Killerbee, etc.). And I'm hoping that 2010 will introduce them to the Manila crowd. Anyway, I love this song and I think this is the adult-flavoured counterpart of "Future Love".

Title: Crazy

Artist: Stars Go Dim

Album: Love Gone Mad

Isn't it crazy
How life slips right into your life
Forces everything else to the side
Fall in love at a glance, and that's alright

Isn't it crazy
How we never felt so alive
Until your world collided with mine
Trade love for a chance, that's alright

I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by
That I need you forever when your eyes met mine
I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name
You'd be the beauty in my life, always

I never knew I could love someone
Never knew I could feel so complete
After all is said and done, our love will still be holding up strong
I'd give all I have for love, that's alright

I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by
That I need you forever when your eyes met mine
I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name
You'd be the beauty in my life, always

After all we have each other
Nothing can hold us back from all
that this life has put in our path
We will survive

I knew I wanted you the first time that I saw you walk by
That I need you forever when your eyes met mine
I loved you the first time I heard you speak my name
You'd be the beauty in my life, always



The lines in bold, there's a part of me that longs to see that happen in my life. Will it be realised this 2010? Abangan, the year is still an infant. ;)