365 days and counting..

A year ago, after almost 2 years of lurking through PinoyExchange's Alternative Preferences sub-forum and the sexuality threads in Family, Friends and Society forum, I finally mustered some courage to start participating in the threads there. As I was cautious to post using my existing username which is very much active in another PEx forum, I decided to register using another nickname.

What better way to describe my state at that time than to picture a wandering moth being drawn to a fiery yet seductive flame. That was me since I started to discover my attraction towards other guys back in high school, despite growing up in a biblical Christian family and attending church every Sunday. At the same time, having fended for myself 'coz of not having a barkada during my growing years, I was experiencing pangs of jealousy seeing these well-bonded groups of bright individuals through the PEx threads. I was enticed, like a moth to a flame.

February 22, 2009. I consider this as the date when I finally accepted the fact that I'm not straight. 365 days later, as I was reading through my early posts in the Straight-Natured Gay Guys (SNAGG) thread, I was painting an image as to how the days passed by between then and now. I can't say I've become a better person. I can't say that I've indeed found what I'm looking for. Heck, I'm still single and inexperienced in many ways. I still feel like a child trapped in a twenteen-something male's body. I'm still skinny and 20 pounds underweight. My personal issues still resurface from time to time. Yet, reading through those online scribbles, I was like "Whoa, was that me?!"

I never imagined myself organising meet-ups and gatherings, let alone events with people who are outside my usual sphere. I remember incidents in high school wherein I was this skinny, short and geeky kid whom no one wants to be with in groupings, when outside the academic circles. I remember that no one wanted to join me in shooting a music video for our Music class back in 3rd year, even though I was one of the few students in class who had digicam. I was so uncool and unhip. But in a year, I found myself planning for 4 gatherings and as of this writing another one is coming up this weekend.

I never imagined myself as well being not just surrounded by, but also being friends with bright, good-looking and well-intentioned guys. I was an outcast back in high school. The jocks and hearthrobs in the class approach me when either they need help in their homeworks or they need someone to become the scuttlebutt of jokes. The past few months, I found myself texting, interacting online with and meeting up other guys, and getting to know them as well. I consider some of them as more than casual friends and I'm really hoping we're stuck for a very long time.

With some experiences I've had the past year, which I never experienced in my first 23 years (save for my 5-month stint in New Zealand and some wonderful moments back in college), I can't help but think that I'm not the best person in the world to deserve these. I just hope to be who I really am, live it out and hopefully others can learn to appreciate me and the life I lead.

Yada yada aside, there are heaps of stuff to deal with. My exploration, not just of my sexuality but more importantly my life, is still ongoing. This time though, I know I'm not alone and I don't have to.