You never had an idea how you made me shed tears uncontrollably one time while conversing online with a friend, as I recount those moments - those might-have-beens. They may be just all inside my head, but I was affected nonetheless. Delusional, I seem to be. How can you ever like someone like me? I personally never experienced being told that I'm the object of her/his affection. And as much as I was fond of you, I didn't really expect such from you. But it's alright, I managed and will manage. I lived without those for 24 years and will carry on living. But who am I kidding?
I may not be a demigod in terms of physical features, but I'm no devil either when it comes to my ways. I won't pounce at the open door unexpectedly exposed to me. No I won't. I'll let you be you. You're young and I think you're intelligent. Go and explore your world. It's been made available to you. As for me, the next time I fall for anyone, I better learn to love myself first.
(Sitting in my Drafts folder since January 4, 2010)
P.S. I can say that I've "moved on" from this episode. Pardon my being immature and amateur at the same time.
You are neither.
ReplyDeleteThe mere fact that you've reached that point where this, above, can be said with meaning and sincerity is testament to your maturity. Because it surmises that you know when its not worth fighting for.
I do believe you've transcended from being that awkward, self-conscious lad you were then. You actually come off as engaging and quite a talker, from what I remember. And your genuinely amiable.
We have to believe that we deserve that affection ourselves, first, before fate can grant us her chosen.
Your words cut deep, maybe because they echo what I went through before. How its so palpable even talking about it makes one misty. Even now, I still grapple with believing that I, too, deserved happiness. That sullen emptiness I try to fill with my imagined realities, and unrealized futures. My prose becomes my mirror, and voice. Bittersweet.
Your conclusive statement encapsulates it all. Glad you have moved on. :)
There is nothing immature in being infatuated with someone. We all go through that phase - even those among us denying such emotions.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to say (write) and confess these things are signs of having moved on. Even if it's already gone (the so-called "episode"), it's quite a challenge to pull yourself to give a playback to that person you're talking about, let alone publish it in a public domain.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the "you" in you is able to read this. ;p
Sorry for the late acknowledgement of your comments. Thanks guys. =)
ReplyDelete@J Me too, I wonder if he is able to read this and realise that this is about him. LOL
@Galen Thanks for that assurance. It's just that I find myself in a not-so-common situation. I'm approaching quarter life and here I am talking about puppy love (or something like that). Hehehe.
@red It was awesome to hear from you earlier. I'm really glad and relieved to know that we have somewhat similar experiences. Hope we learn and grow with the rise and setbacks we experience in this life. =)